Just once.

I am convinced I am not, nor will I ever be pretty. You can call me anything you want. You can compliment me until you run out of words but I will never believe I am pretty. I always assume you probably are either being overly kind, want something from me or aren’t really seeing me clearly.

It’s not that I don’t want to be pretty… I really wish I was. I think I’m an average looking woman. I will never be a beauty queen or a model or a star. I will never be the most attractive woman in the room. There is nothing special about the way I look. I put on makeup and think “well, that’s the best it’s going to be today”.

When I pass a mirror I try not to really look too hard. I only see ugly. I only hear my mothers voice saying Some of my favorite lines from my mom are:

“don’t be a Loretta lunch mouth” (don’t eat so much you big fat cow)
“god doesn’t like girls who try to be pretty” (self explanatory)
“a pig in a dress is still a pig” (underneath the dress you’re still a pig)
“if you wear “x” no one will ever love you” (self explanatory).
“don’t try to be too pretty” .. this actually meant several things in my mom’s fucked up psyche 1) everyone knows I can only fake being pretty, 2) don’t divert attention away from me and 3) my favorite - if you try to get people/men to look at you you’re a whore.

Awesome.

This is my actual process and though pattern before I go out somewhere.

1) put on dress and makeup.
2) have anxiety attack
3) put on different, less attractive dress.
4) look at hideously ugly pathetic person in mirror.
5) take off dress.
6) put on pants and hope no one looks at me.
7) put on minimal makeup so no one looks at me.
8) sit on my couch and debate staying home and faking sickness.

Optional 9) have a quick drink and put original dress back on. Beer bravery works sometimes.
Optional 10) put on p.j.'s and crawl into bed.

Just once in my life I would like to take someone's breath away. Just once.