I have/had this friend. In retrospect, I understand that she is completely fucked up. completely. Kinda gay, but fucks a lot of people out of confusion about sexuality and survived abuse blah blah blah. Refuses therapy cause it's too hard. Really? too hard? and the way you're choosing to live with all the crying and drinking and drugs is easier? you are STUPID.
Anyway.. before I realized she was fucked up completely, I just thought she was my nice lesbian friend. I like to give any woman the benefit of the doubt (I like girlfriends - really I do, but FUCK what the hell is wrong with some of them???) ok, getting off the track. sorry. She started fucking my guy friends. awkward, but whatever.
THEN she tried to fuck my boyfriend. Not so cool.
BUT NO, it gets better.
She starts fucking every guy I meet, make friends with or who hits on me. EVERY ONE. This is a lot of people. She even insinuated to one man that I would be involved in their sex act if he agreed to go home with her that night (she had already previously bedded him and took pictures just so she could show me) Thankfully, he saw the bullshit and knows I'm not a whore. She has now slept with almost every guy I know - including a guy I just went on a date with. I couldn't figure out the connection (every guy she has been with since I've known her connects back to me). Turns out he was supposed to go on a blind date with me a couple months ago, she found out and picked him up in a bar and took him home. ick.
All in all she slept with more than 15 of my guy friends in 2 months. Some repeatedly and probably more that I don't know about. Now every time I make a new friend I feel like I have to either warn the guy or not tell anyone that I met someone. Tries this with women, too - only she's less successful at bedding them. I have since learned that all this fucking is an attempt to get ME to sleep with her... she's hinted at it when she was high/drunk and I blew it off. She's been competing with me for man attention in an attempt to get me to fuck her. WTF?. What kind of fucktard logic is this? piss me off and I'll want you? Spreading herpes makes you sexy to me? Sending me pictures with come dripping out your ass makes me love you? No. you are a pathetic whore with issues. I would not touch you for all the money in the world. Not now, not ever. stop it. I am very angry and I'm not going to get over it.
To add to the ick factor - the blind date guy, who I went out with last week, wants to see me again. I'm completely and totally grossed out. I know where she's been, I've seen pictures and gotten detailed accounts (NOT by choice she sends this shit to my phone. ew.) of her conquests and I know she's not careful. AT ALL.
How do I tell him that I think he's vile by proxy? How do I tell him that I'm so disappointed with his choices of sexual partners that I never want to kiss him? What kind of guy sleeps with a woman like her anyway?? was it just easy? did you not SEE that she was not right in the head? do you not realize how badly it reflects on you? kee-rist. issues. I get angry just thinking about it.
Thank god I'm going away this weekend (I have a date with a seattle guy in LA - who I have told NO ONE about).
This is not the first woman who has done this, so I need to find out why I keep picking out fucked up women to be friends with or why I'm not seeing the fucked-up-ed-ness in the beginning. argh. I am very angry with her, angry with the men who fuck such an easy target and angry with myself for allowing this kind of garbage into my world.
Time to take out the trash.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
*if* no guilt; *then* no emotion; *else* sociopathy; *endif*
I had someone tell me that they don't believe in guilt and they don't allow themselves to feel it. How is it that you can choose from the broad spectrum of human emotion and deny one?
Guilt is essential to the function of the moral compass. It's the emotion that does not allow you to kick a kitten when you're mad at your wife. It is the *conscious* feeling that what you're doing is not right, will cause harm and should not be done. That you are committing a breach of conduct. It's also the *conscious* feeling of pain after you've done something that wasn't right, caused harm and shouldn't have been done.
Ex: You drove your backhoe through your neighbors lawn when you were drunk. You were caught up in the emotion of the moment. That heavy weight in your gut the next day? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
Guilt is what makes us seek atonement from the wronged, the slighted, the overlooked and the hurt. To be guilty is to have done wrong. To feel guilty is the awareness of having done wrong.
It is just as possible to give up feeling guilt as it is to give up anger. The Dalai Lama feels anger. So did Mother Theresa. How they channel that emotion is the difference between being a cognizant human and being empty. Disable one emotion, others won't function well. Everything is a bit off. The less you feel, the less human you are. Is that really what you wanted?
I think it's a mistake to lump actual guilt in with self reproach (which is feeling of guilt and/or culpability for offenses *either real or imagined* brought about by inadequacy). This is not true guilt. Self-reproach comes from outside/other sources. True guilt comes from within. From the soul. the heart. the mind. It does not come from your mother. Distinguishing between the two makes the diffence between a happy self-aware life and suspired mediocrity.
Guilt is the due north on the moral compass. It's the built in boundary map for the human race.
Oh, and that crap that comes from your mother/catholic church/ethic group? You can unlearn it. Try therapy.
Guilt is essential to the function of the moral compass. It's the emotion that does not allow you to kick a kitten when you're mad at your wife. It is the *conscious* feeling that what you're doing is not right, will cause harm and should not be done. That you are committing a breach of conduct. It's also the *conscious* feeling of pain after you've done something that wasn't right, caused harm and shouldn't have been done.
Ex: You drove your backhoe through your neighbors lawn when you were drunk. You were caught up in the emotion of the moment. That heavy weight in your gut the next day? Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
Guilt is what makes us seek atonement from the wronged, the slighted, the overlooked and the hurt. To be guilty is to have done wrong. To feel guilty is the awareness of having done wrong.
It is just as possible to give up feeling guilt as it is to give up anger. The Dalai Lama feels anger. So did Mother Theresa. How they channel that emotion is the difference between being a cognizant human and being empty. Disable one emotion, others won't function well. Everything is a bit off. The less you feel, the less human you are. Is that really what you wanted?
I think it's a mistake to lump actual guilt in with self reproach (which is feeling of guilt and/or culpability for offenses *either real or imagined* brought about by inadequacy). This is not true guilt. Self-reproach comes from outside/other sources. True guilt comes from within. From the soul. the heart. the mind. It does not come from your mother. Distinguishing between the two makes the diffence between a happy self-aware life and suspired mediocrity.
Guilt is the due north on the moral compass. It's the built in boundary map for the human race.
Oh, and that crap that comes from your mother/catholic church/ethic group? You can unlearn it. Try therapy.
Friday, June 20, 2008
pissy
those who spell woman with a "y" - womyn. Do you really think that changing the vowel will fundamentally alter our current patriarchal society? seriously? it just makes you look like a bad speller.
those who yell at the minimum wage employees at blockbuster or the gas station or wherever because there are long lines. How is this helping? The 17yr old who lives with his mom and is trying to save up for a Wii does not care. Yelling makes you look like a stupid ass who does not understand the basic power structure of a corporation. AND acting like a 4 yr. old who's not getting his way is a great way to behave in front of your kids. come. on. people.
those who take it as a personal affront when I will not f*ck them. Wow, when you use that indignant and manipulative voice, it's super sexy. mmmhmmm. oh, and you bought me a cocktail which CLEARLY entitles you to my vajayjay!!... being a douchebag makes me want you! let's go baby!
anyone who goes the speed limit in the left hand lane. I DO NOT need a freeway hall monitor, thank you very much. Go faster or get the out of my way, you douchebag. As a fully formed adult, if I want to speed and take the risk of getting a ticket, I'm allowed to do that. Go away.
religious people. This does NOT mean spiritual, good or holy people. I'm talking about people who worship their church, their organized religion or the leaders of said religion/church to the detriment of society, themselves and the innocents they affect. Morality is not borne of doctrine but of soul and of God.
oh, and stupid people. No explanation necessary.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
what I love about my neighborhood...
I was walking yesterday and I see a guy riding a bike coming my direction. Nothing interesting... until he gets closer. He's riding a girls pink bike with a banana seat. I see he is wearing a white dress with large pink flowers on it. and black socks. with flip flops. and he's hairy. really hairy. but the kicker is this: instead of the regular bike helmet he's got on a WWI battle helmet (the space ship shaped ones).
He rides by the coffee shop and no one bats an eye. I hear someone yell "hi bob" and he waves back. The great thing? this is less weird than most stuff that goes on in my area.
We have a (crunchy) punk rock drum band, an african american biker gang, old school punk vespa club*, regular bikers, artists, transvestites/transsexuals, crack ho's, and tweekers. Everyone seems to get along (except for the tweekers who steal your farking hubcaps and sell them. asshats) and I think for the most part we are all pretty amused with each other. It's kind of a happy place.
Now, send a yuppie into the coffee shop??? THAT would get stares.
*crunchy punk rockers are the new school of punk. They are all vegan, have dreadlocks, live communally, wear all black, shower infrequently (if ever), piercings and tattoos are de rigeur. Their music tends to be kinda crappy and they all make out with and have sex with each other. They tend to be smelly and live with their dogs and obsess about how they are perceived ("man, we're being persecuted cause of how we live and how we look!" no, you're being asked to leave a bar because you smell and have no money and your dog just peed on the waitress.)
old school punks are smart, they shower, listen to cool music that has actual meaning and don't give two shits what anyone thinks of them.
Key difference? only one group ever announces that they're punk rock (thereby insuring that they will forever be not only NOT punk rock, but complete and total tools.)
He rides by the coffee shop and no one bats an eye. I hear someone yell "hi bob" and he waves back. The great thing? this is less weird than most stuff that goes on in my area.
We have a (crunchy) punk rock drum band, an african american biker gang, old school punk vespa club*, regular bikers, artists, transvestites/transsexuals, crack ho's, and tweekers. Everyone seems to get along (except for the tweekers who steal your farking hubcaps and sell them. asshats) and I think for the most part we are all pretty amused with each other. It's kind of a happy place.
Now, send a yuppie into the coffee shop??? THAT would get stares.
*crunchy punk rockers are the new school of punk. They are all vegan, have dreadlocks, live communally, wear all black, shower infrequently (if ever), piercings and tattoos are de rigeur. Their music tends to be kinda crappy and they all make out with and have sex with each other. They tend to be smelly and live with their dogs and obsess about how they are perceived ("man, we're being persecuted cause of how we live and how we look!" no, you're being asked to leave a bar because you smell and have no money and your dog just peed on the waitress.)
old school punks are smart, they shower, listen to cool music that has actual meaning and don't give two shits what anyone thinks of them.
Key difference? only one group ever announces that they're punk rock (thereby insuring that they will forever be not only NOT punk rock, but complete and total tools.)
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
maybe you should listen.
This is the bain of every nanny: Parents who do not listen. Especially first time parents who think they know everything because they've read every book on the planet about childhood. I've been a part of raising over 10 kids. Most of those kids I spent more time with than their parents...
I may have a general idea of what's good and bad for children. Maybe.
Case in point; my current charge has poop issues. She gets constipated and then it hurts and then she gets too scared to poop. It's not that uncommon. Diet is usually the culprit so I started giving her oatmeal with a little bit of prunes in the morning. Cured. Then it came back... the parents (ok, the mom) was spiking her oats with applesauce (notorious constipator). I mentioned that this may be what was the problem and was soundly blown off. "She likes applesauce!" was the answer.
She also likes chocolate but she doesn't get that all the time. You can't make a kid like you with food... Besides, WHO IS THE GROWN UP?
Problem continues through laxatives, copious amounts of prunes and finally - to my horror - enemas. Instead of changing her diet, they started giving her an enema every day. Then they would give her a banana. "She likes bananas!" or white rice. Ever heard of the BRAT diet? it's what you give kids when they have diarrhea... Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. All those things are supremely constipating.
I mention these facts to both parents (together and separately) but, again, what hell do I know?
Finally, at her next checkup the doctor forbid them from giving her Bananas, (white) Rice, Applesauce and Toast. SHOCKING!!! MY GOD THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!! said the parents. Thank you, oh smart and all knowing doctor, for finally giving us the information we needed.
I just shook my head. Saying 'I told you so' means nothing. The child is the one that suffers because of your insufferable sanctimonious bullshit, not me.
makes me want to scream sometimes.
I may have a general idea of what's good and bad for children. Maybe.
Case in point; my current charge has poop issues. She gets constipated and then it hurts and then she gets too scared to poop. It's not that uncommon. Diet is usually the culprit so I started giving her oatmeal with a little bit of prunes in the morning. Cured. Then it came back... the parents (ok, the mom) was spiking her oats with applesauce (notorious constipator). I mentioned that this may be what was the problem and was soundly blown off. "She likes applesauce!" was the answer.
She also likes chocolate but she doesn't get that all the time. You can't make a kid like you with food... Besides, WHO IS THE GROWN UP?
Problem continues through laxatives, copious amounts of prunes and finally - to my horror - enemas. Instead of changing her diet, they started giving her an enema every day. Then they would give her a banana. "She likes bananas!" or white rice. Ever heard of the BRAT diet? it's what you give kids when they have diarrhea... Bananas, Rice, Applesauce and Toast. All those things are supremely constipating.
I mention these facts to both parents (together and separately) but, again, what hell do I know?
Finally, at her next checkup the doctor forbid them from giving her Bananas, (white) Rice, Applesauce and Toast. SHOCKING!!! MY GOD THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION!!! said the parents. Thank you, oh smart and all knowing doctor, for finally giving us the information we needed.
I just shook my head. Saying 'I told you so' means nothing. The child is the one that suffers because of your insufferable sanctimonious bullshit, not me.
makes me want to scream sometimes.
Monday, June 9, 2008
when it rains
it pours.
I'm not sure how this works, but as soon as you take yourself 'off the market' and decide dating is for fucktards, everyone wants you.
I saw two guys when I was in LA [see previous post]. Wanted to have sex with one of them (but due to circumstances beyond either of our control, didn't happen)(and he makes me feel like a 12 year old girl and I love that... it's so rare that someone can make me feel weak in the knees)(and he's beautiful and lovely... swoon), and the other wanted to have sex with me (had an affair with him a long time ago cause he's pretty... but young.. did I say he was pretty?). I had no sex.
One of my neighbors keeps trying to make out with me, and not the neighbor who is the asshat (my ex boyfriend, the drunken douchenozzle). He was successful a couple weeks ago because he loaded me up with vodka, but I made him go home.
Now a guy who lives down the street is pitching some serious woo... I have a sinus infection and my head farking hurts.. so, naturally, I was complaining (because according to my Grandma, the more you complain the longer god lets you live) and he made me soup! SOUP!
Then there is this other guy.. Lives nearby and is possibly the largest man I've ever seen. At least 6'5" and 300lbs of solid muscle. Apparently he worked as a bodyguard for a long time. Bald. Tattoos. Brings much quiveration to the ladies. Anyway, since I bake for everyone I know* I added him to the list and dropped off brownies (keep in mind I dropped off brownies to 4 people I know, in 3 separate houses all within 25 feet of his house). He now thinks I'm hitting on him and gets all aloof and weird. I ignore him for a month because now I think he's a turd. He finally figures out I could give a crap about his quiveration and was just being nice, doesn't like being ignored.... and now he thinks I'm hot. what. ev. er. I already got your number buddy. Sell the freaky somewhere else.
Last but definitely not least is someone who makes me feel all wiggly inside. Exactly two people this year have made me feel wiggly... he's one. Musician (bass player) and very successful in the music biz. People know his name - I didn't know he was famous until about 2 months ago (when some chick asked for an autograph and I started laughing... I thought it was a joke.. oops) but whatever. I don't care about that stuff. He makes me feel wiggly and I love that... then yesterday he tells me that he thinks I'm 'yummy' and that he would like to do things to my ass that are illegal in several countries. Small problem... he has a long term girlfriend so I'm withholding the swoon. for now.
so much wanting and so little action.
*I am a baking succubus. I bake because I love to. BUT if I ate all that I baked, I would be 900 pounds. So I taste it, then give it away. Baked goods are how I tell people "I like you, you are my friend". It does not mean I want to fuck you. Clearly that would require Beef Bourguinonne or something similar to get that message across. Just sayin'.
I'm not sure how this works, but as soon as you take yourself 'off the market' and decide dating is for fucktards, everyone wants you.
I saw two guys when I was in LA [see previous post]. Wanted to have sex with one of them (but due to circumstances beyond either of our control, didn't happen)(and he makes me feel like a 12 year old girl and I love that... it's so rare that someone can make me feel weak in the knees)(and he's beautiful and lovely... swoon), and the other wanted to have sex with me (had an affair with him a long time ago cause he's pretty... but young.. did I say he was pretty?). I had no sex.
One of my neighbors keeps trying to make out with me, and not the neighbor who is the asshat (my ex boyfriend, the drunken douchenozzle). He was successful a couple weeks ago because he loaded me up with vodka, but I made him go home.
Now a guy who lives down the street is pitching some serious woo... I have a sinus infection and my head farking hurts.. so, naturally, I was complaining (because according to my Grandma, the more you complain the longer god lets you live) and he made me soup! SOUP!
Then there is this other guy.. Lives nearby and is possibly the largest man I've ever seen. At least 6'5" and 300lbs of solid muscle. Apparently he worked as a bodyguard for a long time. Bald. Tattoos. Brings much quiveration to the ladies. Anyway, since I bake for everyone I know* I added him to the list and dropped off brownies (keep in mind I dropped off brownies to 4 people I know, in 3 separate houses all within 25 feet of his house). He now thinks I'm hitting on him and gets all aloof and weird. I ignore him for a month because now I think he's a turd. He finally figures out I could give a crap about his quiveration and was just being nice, doesn't like being ignored.... and now he thinks I'm hot. what. ev. er. I already got your number buddy. Sell the freaky somewhere else.
Last but definitely not least is someone who makes me feel all wiggly inside. Exactly two people this year have made me feel wiggly... he's one. Musician (bass player) and very successful in the music biz. People know his name - I didn't know he was famous until about 2 months ago (when some chick asked for an autograph and I started laughing... I thought it was a joke.. oops) but whatever. I don't care about that stuff. He makes me feel wiggly and I love that... then yesterday he tells me that he thinks I'm 'yummy' and that he would like to do things to my ass that are illegal in several countries. Small problem... he has a long term girlfriend so I'm withholding the swoon. for now.
*I am a baking succubus. I bake because I love to. BUT if I ate all that I baked, I would be 900 pounds. So I taste it, then give it away. Baked goods are how I tell people "I like you, you are my friend". It does not mean I want to fuck you. Clearly that would require Beef Bourguinonne or something similar to get that message across. Just sayin'.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
childhood is not a competition...
I love my job. I really do. Right now I'm helping to raise a little girl from Taiwan who was adopted at 5 months. She's very developmentally delayed (at 16 months she's not walking or talking - probably 3-6 months delayed) because she wasn't held when she was in the hospital and she was a preemie. I've learned that she wasn't even in an orphanage, but a hospital. Fed on schedule, kept healthy for the most part but not held.
When you think about how much an infant is held (16-20 hours a day) what happens when they aren't touched?
They don't develop.
The stimulus of touch is one of the main things that makes their brains grow and teaches them how to attach and bond. Without touch their little bodies don't grow as quickly (which is why they tend to be smaller) so she's a peanut. Barely 20 pounds, way down on all the size percentiles and she acts like she's less than a year old. She is growing and learning at a rate that is perfect for her... just not for her parents.
It's hard to watch the constant comparison to other kids, the expectation that they're going to wake up one morning and have a normal child. Here's the worst part; They tell her she's lazy because she's slower than other kids. She is a beautiful and timid little soul and I don't understand why can't they just enjoy her in the moment. It's heartbreaking.
"An orphan from Taiwan is the perfect accessory for our lives! wait... this is not the accessory we ordered!"
The good news is that she's learning attachment and bonding and has bonded to me. Finally. It was a lot of work but she's finally figured it out - it just took a little patience is all. What will happen when I leave? I hope that the attachment she's learned will transfer and that it won't set her back. I don't know.
Oh.... the guilt!
Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm learning that I can't save everyone and as much as I want to, I can't save every child.
This is the root of why I feel like I've been living the mediocre version of my life… or the half lived version of it. Doing for others what I should be doing for myself. Rescuing.
From now on I'll save me.
When you think about how much an infant is held (16-20 hours a day) what happens when they aren't touched?
They don't develop.
The stimulus of touch is one of the main things that makes their brains grow and teaches them how to attach and bond. Without touch their little bodies don't grow as quickly (which is why they tend to be smaller) so she's a peanut. Barely 20 pounds, way down on all the size percentiles and she acts like she's less than a year old. She is growing and learning at a rate that is perfect for her... just not for her parents.
It's hard to watch the constant comparison to other kids, the expectation that they're going to wake up one morning and have a normal child. Here's the worst part; They tell her she's lazy because she's slower than other kids. She is a beautiful and timid little soul and I don't understand why can't they just enjoy her in the moment. It's heartbreaking.
"An orphan from Taiwan is the perfect accessory for our lives! wait... this is not the accessory we ordered!"
The good news is that she's learning attachment and bonding and has bonded to me. Finally. It was a lot of work but she's finally figured it out - it just took a little patience is all. What will happen when I leave? I hope that the attachment she's learned will transfer and that it won't set her back. I don't know.
Oh.... the guilt!
Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm learning that I can't save everyone and as much as I want to, I can't save every child.
This is the root of why I feel like I've been living the mediocre version of my life… or the half lived version of it. Doing for others what I should be doing for myself. Rescuing.
From now on I'll save me.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
back to the grind
I just got back from LA. Now I'm cold and cranky. Cold because it's 50 and raining here and cranky because more stuff happened that what I was ready for.
I was supposed to see someone... planned for a lot of sex. yay! totally didn't happen. I ended up seeing a different ex boyfriend (waaaayyyy too young for me, by 10 years, but so pretty. so. very. pretty.) and having dinner with him. We had a great time and he clearly wanted me to come home with him, but I couldn't. I've never been the girl who fucks around and I'm not planning on changing that anytime soon - there has to be something else, some deeper connection. Not that I'm against the one night stand, they have their place, it's just not worth it to me to have meaningless sex. Probably didn't help that I made out with one of my friends just before I left. Vodka + attractive smart friend = doofusness.
The reason I went on this little sojourn was to interview with a couple nanny agencies. If I'm ever going to retire, now is the time to go after better money and move up to the big leagues. This is a strange headspace for me - I have families trying to throw money at me and also bidding against each other. I had a career in finance/retirement planning for almost 15 years and that never happened. This is what happens when you figure out what you're supposed to be doing with your life, apparently. I was good at what I did before - but this job? This I'm really, really good at and I love it. Hanging out with babies and kids is about the best gig in the world (also way harder than anything I've ever done before).
Lots of job prospects: yay. No sex: boo. Kissing two boys in 4 days: yay. Not kissing the one that makes my loins quiver: boo.
I was supposed to see someone... planned for a lot of sex. yay! totally didn't happen. I ended up seeing a different ex boyfriend (waaaayyyy too young for me, by 10 years, but so pretty. so. very. pretty.) and having dinner with him. We had a great time and he clearly wanted me to come home with him, but I couldn't. I've never been the girl who fucks around and I'm not planning on changing that anytime soon - there has to be something else, some deeper connection. Not that I'm against the one night stand, they have their place, it's just not worth it to me to have meaningless sex. Probably didn't help that I made out with one of my friends just before I left. Vodka + attractive smart friend = doofusness.
The reason I went on this little sojourn was to interview with a couple nanny agencies. If I'm ever going to retire, now is the time to go after better money and move up to the big leagues. This is a strange headspace for me - I have families trying to throw money at me and also bidding against each other. I had a career in finance/retirement planning for almost 15 years and that never happened. This is what happens when you figure out what you're supposed to be doing with your life, apparently. I was good at what I did before - but this job? This I'm really, really good at and I love it. Hanging out with babies and kids is about the best gig in the world (also way harder than anything I've ever done before).
Lots of job prospects: yay. No sex: boo. Kissing two boys in 4 days: yay. Not kissing the one that makes my loins quiver: boo.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
