childhood is not a competition...

I love my job. I really do. Right now I'm helping to raise a little girl from Taiwan who was adopted at 5 months. She's very developmentally delayed (at 16 months she's not walking or talking - probably 3-6 months delayed) because she wasn't held when she was in the hospital and she was a preemie. I've learned that she wasn't even in an orphanage, but a hospital. Fed on schedule, kept healthy for the most part but not held.

When you think about how much an infant is held (16-20 hours a day) what happens when they aren't touched?

They don't develop.

The stimulus of touch is one of the main things that makes their brains grow and teaches them how to attach and bond. Without touch their little bodies don't grow as quickly (which is why they tend to be smaller) so she's a peanut. Barely 20 pounds, way down on all the size percentiles and she acts like she's less than a year old. She is growing and learning at a rate that is perfect for her... just not for her parents.

It's hard to watch the constant comparison to other kids, the expectation that they're going to wake up one morning and have a normal child. Here's the worst part; They tell her she's lazy because she's slower than other kids. She is a beautiful and timid little soul and I don't understand why can't they just enjoy her in the moment. It's heartbreaking.

"An orphan from Taiwan is the perfect accessory for our lives! wait... this is not the accessory we ordered!"

The good news is that she's learning attachment and bonding and has bonded to me. Finally. It was a lot of work but she's finally figured it out - it just took a little patience is all. What will happen when I leave? I hope that the attachment she's learned will transfer and that it won't set her back. I don't know.

Oh.... the guilt!

Unfortunately (or fortunately) I'm learning that I can't save everyone and as much as I want to, I can't save every child.

This is the root of why I feel like I've been living the mediocre version of my life… or the half lived version of it. Doing for others what I should be doing for myself. Rescuing.

From now on I'll save me.