when it rains

it pours.

I'm not sure how this works, but as soon as you take yourself 'off the market' and decide dating is for fucktards, everyone wants you.

I saw two guys when I was in LA [see previous post]. Wanted to have sex with one of them (but due to circumstances beyond either of our control, didn't happen)(and he makes me feel like a 12 year old girl and I love that... it's so rare that someone can make me feel weak in the knees)(and he's beautiful and lovely... swoon), and the other wanted to have sex with me (had an affair with him a long time ago cause he's pretty... but young.. did I say he was pretty?). I had no sex.

One of my neighbors keeps trying to make out with me, and not the neighbor who is the asshat (my ex boyfriend, the drunken douchenozzle). He was successful a couple weeks ago because he loaded me up with vodka, but I made him go home.

Now a guy who lives down the street is pitching some serious woo... I have a sinus infection and my head farking hurts.. so, naturally, I was complaining (because according to my Grandma, the more you complain the longer god lets you live) and he made me soup! SOUP!

Then there is this other guy.. Lives nearby and is possibly the largest man I've ever seen. At least 6'5" and 300lbs of solid muscle. Apparently he worked as a bodyguard for a long time. Bald. Tattoos. Brings much quiveration to the ladies. Anyway, since I bake for everyone I know* I added him to the list and dropped off brownies (keep in mind I dropped off brownies to 4 people I know, in 3 separate houses all within 25 feet of his house). He now thinks I'm hitting on him and gets all aloof and weird. I ignore him for a month because now I think he's a turd. He finally figures out I could give a crap about his quiveration and was just being nice, doesn't like being ignored.... and now he thinks I'm hot. what. ev. er. I already got your number buddy. Sell the freaky somewhere else.

Last but definitely not least is someone who makes me feel all wiggly inside. Exactly two people this year have made me feel wiggly... he's one. Musician (bass player) and very successful in the music biz. People know his name - I didn't know he was famous until about 2 months ago (when some chick asked for an autograph and I started laughing... I thought it was a joke.. oops) but whatever. I don't care about that stuff. He makes me feel wiggly and I love that... then yesterday he tells me that he thinks I'm 'yummy' and that he would like to do things to my ass that are illegal in several countries. Small problem... he has a long term girlfriend so I'm withholding the swoon. for now.

so much wanting and so little action.


*I am a baking succubus. I bake because I love to. BUT if I ate all that I baked, I would be 900 pounds. So I taste it, then give it away. Baked goods are how I tell people "I like you, you are my friend". It does not mean I want to fuck you. Clearly that would require Beef Bourguinonne or something similar to get that message across. Just sayin'.